10 December 2011

Drowning in Lemonade

By The Crafty Military Wife ©2009-2011. All Rights Reserved.Please report if this post appears elsewhere.
This post is gonna be raw and it's gonna be real. I may lose blog followers over it, but that's ok because I'm done trying to sugar coat my posts because I "think" that's what people want to read. I'm gonna get right down to it. The year 2011 has been a complete shitstorm of events. It is by far the worst year of my life. I hate 2011 and I want it over with.
You know that phrase, "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade"? Well I've made so much damn lemonade that I'm drowning in it along with all the fake happiness I've been hiding behind.  
The year 2011 has had me questioning a lot of things. I've questioned life. I've questioned death. I've questioned my marriage. I've questioned the military. I've even questioned why my parents would bring me into this world just so I can die inside a little more each time one of them gets sick.  Then I feel guilty that I'll be putting my own son through the same thing as I get older.
I've seen beautiful things this year, and I've seen downright ugly things.  Sadly, by far, there's been more ugly. I am at the lowest point I've ever been in my life. My chest has been hurting every single hour of every single day for the past 2 months. I've just been pushing it aside, thinking it will go away in time. Well I ended up in the ER the night before last thinking I was having a heart attack. The ER doc told me I have pleurisy, which is an inflammation of the lining of my lungs. He said stress can make it worse, and on a scale of 1-10, my stress level is a 15. He gave me pain pills and sent me on my way. They're not working. 
And the sad thing...nobody f*cking cares! I have what I consider to be a small friends list on Facebook of roughly 160 people. I typically add only people I know or have met in real life, with the exception of a handful. I use that platform to update them on events in my life, how my son is growing, etc. I post on there that I'm going to the ER or that my Dad is in the hospital again. I can pretty much count on one hand the number of people who even say anything, and 95% of these people are supposed to be "friends". I don't get any texts or phone calls or people telling me it will be ok. My husband is gone 4 days every week, so I barely have him. All I have is my 2 yr old. The only time anybody really comments on my posts or engages in a conversation with me is if I have something they want or if me or my skills can benefit them in some way.
Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and die. I have no happiness left in me. Even if I did die, nobody would care. I'm debating permanently deleting my blog, my Facebook, and my Twitter. That way I don't get upset over the posts I don't make about the shit life brings that people don't comment on. Just a simple, "It will be ok" would suffice. Who knows, maybe I'm just being selfish, because who really cares about some asshole's post on the internet. But it sure would be nice to know I have a friend. 
I shouldn't need to say this because nobody will care or read this far anyway, but even though this post is dark, I'm not going to harm myself. 

8 comments:

  1. I understand the stress thing... I checked myself into the ER thinking I was having a heart attack earlier this year as well! I have general anxiety and major panic attacks. It's so crazy how life changes and throws crap into our faces and we just have to deal with it. I am so sorry for everything you've been going through. Thank you for being real, I hate how everyone hides behind the "anonymity" of the internet... your name/face that's fine. But show us your real emotions, etc. I'll be praying for you and your family! If you ever need to bust out a "vent e-mail" feel free to send one my way!

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  2. I feel like a jerk cause i read and i dont comment so im sorry. I am so happy that you are being real, but my heart breaks because you are hurting. You are in my prayers...i have no idea if it will be okay but i hope and have faith that it will be. I am so so sorry for everything you have been going through. Life is rough but you are here for a reason and i feel blessed to be a follower and fb friend. sorry i havent been doing great at the friend part. Staci stay strong cause i know you are. If you ever wanna talk let me know, not gonna say im great at it but you never know! Love you!

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  4. I'm so sorry that this year has been so stressful for you Staci! You are one of the nicest people I have ever met and the last to deserve such hardship. I really do hope that you find some relief from the medical issues that have been plaguing you. If you need to talk just shoot me a message. I know things will look up. You're a strong lady Staci, I know it'll get better.

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  5. I haven't been a follower of your blog for long but in sorry this has been such a rough time for you. I hope things get better and 2012 is a whole new beginning for you. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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  6. I understand where you are coming from. There was a period of time where I was in a really bad place. I tried getting professional help but the damn psychologist literally said to me "I can see we have a lot of work to do here." I was so desperate that I finally got on medication, it did help a lot. I know a lot of people dont like it but it did help. Find little things that you like to do that make you happy and that relieve your stress (for me, its working/Zumba). It will get better.

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  7. I totally understand where you are coming from. 2010 was a bitter sweet year for me. I just wanted it to be over. Looking back I have seen what God wanted me to learn. My husband was deployed, my mother wouldn't speak to me and when she did it was because she needed something or she wanted to make me feel crappy, I had two real friends and one of them decided she only wanted to be around me when she needed something, I lost my job, my house, and the list goes on. I was over it and drowning and no one else seemed to care.

    I hope that you find strength knowing that others have been where you are. I hope that next year is brighter for you and that God shows you your purpose and the reason for all of the hardships you have endured. If you need someone to talk to I am always here. I know you don't know me but I do care. Us military women have to stick together!

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  8. I'm sorry that things are not going well for you, and I pray 2012 will bring you a year full of happiness.

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